Today's Most Annoying Patient Award Goes To....

Dear Chris,

Every other weekend I spend 24 hours out of the 48 in the emergency room. I am a nurse. I have been a Registered Nurse for 17 years. I have worked in the emergency room for 12 years. The most annoying patients are not really the drunks, though they can be pretty annoying. Patients who lose control over their bowel or bladder are no big deal. Helping people is what I do. "Crazy" people can even be a joy sometimes. I try to make them laugh. Laughter is the most humanizing response.

The most annoying patients are the ones who believe that they are smart, and I am dumb. These are the patients who question everything I do, or don't do. The family member who asks for a glass of water for the abdominal pain patient before I have even taken a blood pressure, or learned a name. I know that identifying the patient and assessing for hypovolemia may seem like trivial tasks, but please, let me prioritize my activities, based on my knowledge and experience. I know that you are panicking inside, but realize that I do understand (better than you do) that abdominal pain in anyone over 50 needs to be assessed for abdominal aortic aneurysm. And that sending me off for a glass of water when the physician has no idea you are here and there is not even a name band on your loved one is risky.

Please, take off your clothes and put the damn gown on already!
If I can't see your skin, how can I assess it? Did you realize that the fabric of your shirt obscures your lung sounds?

Well-to-do people, anyone making 6 figures or more, especially men are the most likely candidates for most annoying patient. I know that it does seem like the thing to do, to treat your nurse just like you treat the waitress at a restaurant. After all she is a woman and only making half or less of your fine salary. But you are an insurance salesman who just wrecked your rice rocket riding solo out from the city. And No! I will not take off your c-collar until after the doctor evaluates your neck. If you end up paralyzed from the neck down it will be my neck on the chopping block. We are literally sitting in a soybean field and there are no taxis, so suck it up and call your wife. So she can come get you and wrecked toy. (Which she begged you not to buy.)

The most annoying patients are the condescending ones. The ones who walk in with an attitude of dissatisfaction. The ones who treat the staff as if they are all incompetent and negligent. The nurse will smile sweetly and meet all of your requests, but she is still viscerally insulted, and very annoyed. You are trying to intimidate her into giving you good care. All you have succeeded in doing is alienating your advocate. If you could see inside her brain you would be amazed at the depth and width of competence and compassion, knowledge and wisdom, personal trauma and triumph.

Thankfully, most patients are not like that. Most are grateful. Even though I do get paid, and gratitude is not necessary. "I'll take the crazy in 14, if you'll take Mrs. Snooty-Pants."

Sarah